[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
You Might Also Like
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Everyone’s family
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo