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my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
(Gaming support cat.)
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.