Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍