Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Admin smashed it 😂
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that