I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore