If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Planet of the Apps.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT