God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Godspeed, John Glenn