Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.