Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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sensitive skin
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no