Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
(Musicians.)
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.