Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN