Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
i wish we could shoplift online
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Okey dokey.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.