One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Well. That’s not a good sign.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.