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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being