A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Always a housemaid, never a house.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Tuesday