I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
At least he brought enough for everyone
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Donkey Kong sommelier
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s