Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.