Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try