Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row