Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
You Might Also Like
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate