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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
British websites use biscuits.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?