I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You Might Also Like
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I have no passwords left in me
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting