When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
You Might Also Like
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
There is no try. There is only give up.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
yes yes a thousand times yes!
What?!?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner