You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game