babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Breaking news:
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
need him
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR