My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers