Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.