I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you