PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
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Every work call, he judges.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
smh
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words