what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.