Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Always a metermaid never a meter
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.