you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Every work call, he judges.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.