People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet