Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends