“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
wtf is a larm clock?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.