Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Netflix and awkward silence?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
#Caturday
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Salad is the decaf of food.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
As the Lord intended