I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.