drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
You Might Also Like
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
wtf is a larm clock?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN