She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought