The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
i smell a pulitzer
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I love twitter
That’s incredible! 👌
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”