me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Unexpected Judgment
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.