Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”