FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Pass gas, not judgment.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*limbos away from your hug*
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]