I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
You Might Also Like
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
WTF IS THAT!
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*aggressively waits in line*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice