Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.