Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.