If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.