Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
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[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*