A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
You Might Also Like
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
What do you hear?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly