The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.